@Papa_Mex: Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don't realize how bad it is for their health.....until I'm choking them
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@iAmDelFreaky: Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
@Reverend_Scott: [texting] Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am) Him: About? (9:01 am) Him: What? (9:02 am) Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am) Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
@One_FineMess: Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.