My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Autocorrect is my menesis
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”