The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
real
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.