@fillthevacuum: Some people around here retweet like it's coming out of their booze allowance.
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@OfficialBabyGal: Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.
@MissNaughty1801: 7y:why are you putting make up on? Me:to look nicer 7y:when does it start working?
@SuperRandomish: Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?" Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"