Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?