“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
the rocks need my help
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.