“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
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My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out