Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
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My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.