Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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File under excellent bookstore names.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
#oldknees
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll