@BarebakAssassin: Some people don't realize how grateful they should be that I'm not allowed to carry a sword in public.
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@HairyJew4Life: Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
@lazerdoov: *wakes up in a cold sweat* Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Why should we hire you? Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.