Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
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Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I feel seen
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.