@BarebakAssassin: Some people don't realize how grateful they should be that I'm not allowed to carry a sword in public.
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@tinytittays: Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.
@VickieIronStone: Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston. Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
@KKAlThani: Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who's boss.
@jake_likes_naps: [astronaut test] Before you begin, questions? [hand raised] "Is it true the moon is cheese?" Are you that damn mouse again? [mouse runs out]