@BarebakAssassin: Some people don't realize how grateful they should be that I'm not allowed to carry a sword in public.
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@Playing_Dad: Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don't worry, I didn't want you to get me anything anyway. No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
@david8hughes: [to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches] "I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to."
@KenJennings: I've been at this elementary school talent show for half an hour and I've already heard "Shake It Off" 137 times.