i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
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I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Doctors texting each other.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]