Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Who needs clocks when my dog鈥檚 digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My friend says I鈥檓 self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
How to wake up a Beagle
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don鈥檛 know what the other ones are called
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle鈥檚 name is Microphone?!
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it鈥檚 like having beef with spongebob
all i did was tell my dad i鈥檓 anaemic 馃槶馃槶
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
If I was a zombie I鈥檇 be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she鈥檇 forgotten.
sry
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.