Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Nose
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
that de-escalated quickly
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time