Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Wise advice
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
j o i m p
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look