@spacej_me: Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that's how I ended up in jail
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: This creepy guy at work calls me "hun" despite knowing my real name so I've started calling him Mulan.
@internetluke: Waiter: Is Pepsi okay? Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am *coke storms off angrily*
@Quartzjixler: I know this place will prepare my taxes competently--they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby. -no one ever
@phranqueigh: "You're not like the other girls." "Yeah, that's pretty much how this works. We're literally all different ones."