maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
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Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
I triple waxed for this?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.