James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
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[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Just had my nails done!
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s