Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
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I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
True
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Lmao
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.