There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.