Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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Body by cheese-puffs.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.