@juicymorsel: Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.
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@iwearaonesie: wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok? me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on! wife:9, you're in charge
@jimmytorosian: Slave: I know a way to escape Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven't heard of it. It's really underground.
@mrtruthandsoul: 5yo: Daddy, what's a facial? Me: Your brother. 5yo: I don't have a brother!? Me: Exactly!