Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
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i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.