Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao