Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
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Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.