American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.