The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!