Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.