Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Leaving the Barbers like
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights