@10InchesPlus: Some people need Rosetta Stone for Sarcasm
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@thenoahkinsey: When someone at the gym asks if I'm "using that equipment", I say "No, my love for it is real." To date, I'm the only one to find that funny
@Bearslietoo: Noticed a spider while I was driving,so I did what any normal person would do and carefully trapped it in a napkin and set my car on fire.
@murrman5: excuse me, waitress? "I'm not a waitress" Oh, what are you then "Well, I'm a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?"
@panmidwest: [pulled over] ME: Ok, don't let him know you're an alligator COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line ME: [exhale] thank God…