Monday?
No. Next question.
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.