Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
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my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Just how popey was the pope today?
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
I put the mess in domestic.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
He died doing what he loved: being alive