@jwoodham: Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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@Im_Tricia: Mom: "Do you want this?" Me: "No." Mom: "Ok I'll give it to your brother." Me: "No I want it."
@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@WheelTod: Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
@WilliamAder: Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."