Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.