Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
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I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.