Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
You Might Also Like
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
#Caturday
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.