Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
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I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .