[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
At Walmart during the holidays like..
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
#gardening
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.