Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.