Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
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Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using