I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
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“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold