@mattZillaaaa: Some people wake up in the morning & are all like "omg I'm the luckiest person in the world" and I wake up all like "oh my god"
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@ibid78: *angrily whispering over crib* "Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward." "But why do they need their own cribs?"
@Mr_Kapowski: *scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk* "Wait just one damn minute" - How horchata was born
@LoveNLunchmeat: Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake... and standing outside your door... and playing the harmonica.