Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
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My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days