@MadlyAmanda: Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
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@ThaJawn: (Animal spelling bee) Owl: Your word is Mississippi Snake: M I Sssssss Sssssssss Badger: *in audience* OH FFS THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER
@jdforshort: If sexual frustration could be transferred into a usable energy source, I would be sitting on a gold mine
@SortaSarcastic: Okay you guys, I'm gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
@david8hughes: [over megaphone] "Police! We have you astounded!" "Jim, it's 'surrounded'." "No, I know but look at his face."