Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what