@MadlyAmanda: Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
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@KeetPotato: [petting friend's new guidedog] so how did you get here? "he brought me" wow [later in bed w/ wife] did you know dave's dog can drive a car?
@tbhjuststop: using microsoft word *moves an image 1 mm to the left* all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
@NoFlipFlops: Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person's picture, whisper "It has to look like an accident", walk away.
@BillPelicanBros: I've got a black eye, a $200 fine and I've been listed on a register...turns out taking candy from a baby wasn't so easy after all.