Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
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[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?