[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.