Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
You Might Also Like
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
my fav colour is also hitler
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
When you let grandma cat sit
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.