@PieChord: Some people won't try bacon for religious reasons. I won't try religion for bacon reasons.
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@daemonic3: [shark tank] "Hi, what's your product idea?" Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I'm here to see the tank of sh-... I've made a mistake
@lynyrdsbackyard: Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
@nerdreign: I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets. Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million. Kids, don't stay in school.
@Kyle_Lippert: Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying "If you keep making that face, it's going to get stuck that way" being true.