@TheTalkingPipe: Some people wouldn't understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
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@leathershirts: the iPhone 8 won't even come with headphones you'll have to imagine you're listening to music
@BaileyXPaige: [at the gym] Trainer: "Why don't you tell me what your workout goals are." Me: "Goals? I'm just here so I don't eat for an hour."
@trentistweeting: WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting "no he's not"] dammit guys, not now
@dixonshuman: It's like my cat doesn't realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.