We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
You Might Also Like
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
But wait…
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!