Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home