Somebody call the cops.
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
We’ve all been there…
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
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What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.