Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
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All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?