Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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as is their right
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
#Caturday
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better