@JohnHilsen: Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
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@withanewname: Grim Reaper: I'm here for the sole! Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I... can I say bye to my family? Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
@heatherlou_: Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
@ItsAndyRyan: *Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing* Me: You really need to hurry up – we're going to be late. *Child starts singing faster*