Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
When news reporters do sports stories
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
your elf on the shelf was delicious
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid