If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
the saddest jazz hands ever
Yup.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.