“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
You Might Also Like
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch