Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
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Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
dads on road-trips be like
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?