Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
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Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Important
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop