Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
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Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
This could be us but you eatin’
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
All excellent questions
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link